34 Symptoms

According to an article online, there are 34 menopause symptoms.  (Are you sure that's all?)   They include: hot flashes, night sweats, irregular periods, loss of libido, vaginal dryness, mood swings, hair loss and/or increased facial hair, memory loss, feeling dizzy, weight gain, incontinence, bouts of bloat, allergies, changes in fingernails, body odor changes, rapid heart beat bouts, depression, anxiety, irritability, panic disorders, breast pain, headaches during menopause, aching, burning tongue, electric shock sensation, digestive problems, gum problems, muscle tension, itchy skin, tingling extremities and osteoporosis.

The list of depression, anxiety, irritability, panic disorders and headaches amuses me.  Of course we have depression,  read the first few symptoms.  Those alone would put a woman into severe depression.  Body odor changes?  As in bad to worse or bad to oh, that's not soo bad? 

Bouts of bloat?  Yep, that's what I'm going to call it the next time I have to lay on the bed to zip my jeans.  "Hello, I'm having a bout of bloat today"

Irritability:  Do you suppose that was just a nicer term than 'homicdal rages'?    Again, who wouldn't be irritated with burning tongue and electric shock sensation?  (Sounds like names for drinks.  "Would you care for a Burning Tongue or the Electric Shock Sensation today?  They are 2 for 1 during happy hour.")

Loss of libido:  Once again, I am convinced that a man named that symptom.  He simply couldn't believe that a woman, after bearing 3 children, working full time and managing a household for most of her adult life, would NOT be thrilled with the idea of a quickie before going to sleep.  NO,  it must be loss of libido.

Mood Swings:  Swings?  Doesn't that conjure up the image in your mind of a gentle transition of moods?  I don't know about you but my moods don't swing anywhere.  They plummet,  drop like a boulder or fire like a rocket.  There is no swinging involved.  My speedometer can go from a peaceful caring individual to a candidate for a straight jacket in 3.2 seconds.  Now there's a line for a used car salesman. 

Tomorrow I'll talk about the memory loss symptom.  It's a real dandy.  Damn skippy!